Dear God, Do you have favorites?

Dear God, How do you relax?

The British ex-boyfriend contacted me to see if I wanted to get together for drinks while he's in New York for a few days. He probably just wanted to buy me shoes which in theory is terrific but in practice is sort of creepy. Yes, I've dated a shoe fetishist who once bought me a thong made out of the candy necklace candies. Remember, as a kid, how those necklaces dyed your skin? I realized we weren't going to work out when he assumed I'd like my vagina green and purple. Even though it was a less than monumental break-up in my life hearing from him did cause me some stress. First of all, when you feel like you failed at something you don't want to admit it to the dude who spends more time in Aldo than you do. Secondly, the last time we drank together I had a half pint and a Malibu with pineapple before I couldn't handle anymore. So, after a long bit of pondering I decided on this e-mail:

I'm engaged. Can't make it.

I figure one lie isn't going to hurt but I felt bad about myself for brushing him aside more, though, for not having the guts to just be honest or...ignore him. How do people do that ignoring thing? When they aren't attracted to someone, that's it, they're done but I find my emotions getting in the way. I remember that I did once like this person and cut them slack even if they wear cut off shorts or use words incorrectly. It isn't that I'm too nice, I'm really not. I guess I'm just a bit of an optimist in regards to love. Maybe I feel like being nice is racking up points while I wait for my John Cusack. Not the John Cusack satrring opposite Diane Lane in some silly rom-com but the John Cusack who owns a record store and talks endlessly about nothing but makes it into something. I am waiting for Rob Gordon minus the cheating and noncommittal attitude. Will he never show up? I have to find some quiet before I succumb to these thoughts and end up a pile of love babble and so I did a search for the meaning of Aum because people who meditate seem to have their inner babble in check and I find this on the first result:

Aum is commonly pronounced as a long or over-long nasalized close-mid back rounded vowel.

If any of you figue out what the fuck that means please come and let me know. I'll be the pile, in the corner, waiting for Valentine's Day.

Dear God, Isn't it cluttered up there?

Living in the house where I grew up is both depressing and comforting. I feel like my life has come full circle and is back at point A, which is a nice way of saying I have a long way to go, but I also feel like it's beautiful experiencing this home as an adult without my parents and making it my own. "My own" has manifested in many ways one being my bedroom where I painted the walls a deep smokey purple with black furniture and all white accents. It is not my Mother chic but, I think, it's me chic which is, basically, the point.

Beyond the physical tweaking today the decluttering was tackled. Because of my experiences with this monster I would advise against anyone thinking of inhabiting a home where five people of varying ages and tastes have cycled in and out for 10+ years. I have dust in my ears, nose and other crevices I shall not mention. It's crazy what can be accumulated deep inside cupboards and drawers in an otherwise tidy home. Everything is now put away or scrapped and I feel a lot better. It's like a huge weight and 3, yes 3, working toasters have been lifted off of me, even Toby's happy for the extra space.

Dear God, Where's my f-ing payout?

The summer I transitioned from elementary to middle school my alma mater built a sprawling jungle gym complete with bells and whistles, literally. I was devastated. I did get to hold hands with boys and have my own locker but most of me yearned for that plastic symphony and the joy of slides that didn't burn off skin in the mid afternoon heat. I felt betrayed, as if the principal held out until the moment she knew I was gone and then pounced on the fun train. And now, at 25, that's how I feel while listening to President Obama's state of the union address. Does it say something about my maturity level that I am comparing college tuition plans and fighting obesity in children to monkey bars and seesaws? Too bad. It would have saved a lot of time battling eating disorders if someone taught me or my parents how to properly eat as children. On the same token, I would feel less overwhelmed financially if my tuition had been affordable and less stressed for my future as I look into furthering that education. However, I believe in this presidency and I am excited for our future as a country. Maybe he'll even build communal adult jungle gyms. That's how badass I think this dude is!

Dear God, How do you feel about polygamy?

I'm watching Big Love. I've always enjoyed this show but the opening credits for the new season are absolutely beautiful; Stark darkness with the lead characters floating through it, ethereal and luminous. Chloe Sevigny, in particular, is breathtaking and I've always found her quite boring. This doesn't really have anything to do with my liking the show it's just pretty to look at much like 5" heels that you'd never wear and Viggo Mortenson. Setting my feelings of cinematography aside, what's the big deal with polygamy? It isn't something I'd want to participate in. I try and deny it but I'm extremely competitive and would sooner murder my husband than allow him to openly share his bed with another woman. Wow, that made me sound really crazy. My saving grace would be that I don't actually have a husband, and if any future love interests are reading this I won't anytime soon. Moving on...

I don't care what other people are doing. I don't care how they dress or how many people they are married to. I'm selfish and if it's not affecting me than I pretty much don't worry about it. I think the majority of the population feels the same way. So, then, why does our government work so hard against it? I guess, if it were reversed, if women could have as many husbands as they pleased, it would be a different story. If we treated men like charms on a bracelet or a not so shiny coin collection polygamy would be more even, more just. Maybe it's an issue in feminism. No, I don't think so I think it's merely an issue with being afraid of what we don't understand, like usual.

Back to the show.

Dear God, Do you wear fur?

I'm not morally opposed to the idea of wearing fur, I find it morbid but I do have a comforter and pillows full of feathers. I wear feathers in my hair and on my ears still...not the same. On cold days like today I think I could handle wearing a dead pelt upon my barren person though. It isn't so much the cold that made today out-of-doors particularly unpleasant, it was the snow. Today began the first of our Michigan winter. It was nice to walk in, that familiar crunch and the white glitter under the moon on the way home, but driving was another story. I went 40 the entire time making my 15 minute commute almost an hour. I can't help but thinking that there is worse to come but I'm keeping an open mind. I think, maybe this year, I'll find someone perfect to have snowball fights with....the sticker collection is turning me, at least a little, into a smiley face and pink hearts sort of girl. Finally.

Dear God, What sort of pet do you have?

This is Tobias, Toby for short, formally known as Jinxy. He was adopted a week ago as a Christmas gift from the Michigan Humane Society and now lives with me. He's been here since Tuesday and since Tuesday he's been sick. He vomits and he has an issue with bathroom etiquette so yesterday I took him to the vet. They told me that he has an upper respiratory infection and a parasite. They sent us home with 3 different medications that must be given orally. This is hard to swallow, literally and figuratively, because Toby isn't a huge fan of being forced to do anything.

He's sort of tough at least in a kitten kind of way. This plus several other factors make me think he is meant to be my cat:

• He has "chin acne" and the medication prescribed for this is doxycycline, the same medication I took for a year when I suffered from chin acne.
• He likes my boobs and I enjoy men who like my boobs.
• He smells good, naturally, like laundry mixed with orange peels.
• He is real, if I died randomly in my house and no one found my body for 2 days I think he might nibble on me a little and that's gross but...he's an animal. I like my people honest and Toby, well Toby's a cat a real serious dead meat nibblin' cat.
• He wakes up every morning at 6 am which is the time they start feeding the animals at the Humane Society and while I get extremely annoyed at him meowing in my face he's like a little alarm clock. I was on time everyday this week for work because of Toby.

The only problem, beyond the diarrhea and vomit, is that he's simple. He isn't a sophisticated cat. He likes his ears scratched, enjoys sitting and staring at the wall and sleeps most of the day but I have these toys I assumed he'd want to play with and the only thing he seems to enjoy swatting at are my ear lobes. It's a little boring but shit, isn't he cute?

Dear God, How's your lomo skills?

For my birthday I received a pretty plastic camera and I love it. There is something sensible about this camera that sells me on it immediately. It's mint and cream colored which is delicious and when used properly takes these dreamy, ethereal photos that make me melt. However, I have not mastered this camera. I haven't reached a novice level. In fact, I am about 4 notches below novice. See for yourselves:

Please send me tips...

Dear God, How do you feel about this blog?

I haven't written an a little bit. This is mainly due to being a bit grouchy (see previous post) and also from battling myself on whether or not I should take down this blog. It isn't a blogspot staple or anything so no one would really be affected by its exit and I am wondering if it is offensive. Normally, I wouldn't care how offensive it was but my family, some of them being ultra religious, isn't always thrilled by it. I guess at 25 I'm now past or just arriving at a place where rebellion is no longer attractive. Not on me at least sadly a rebellious boy is still lingering on the rebellion meets attractive front. So, my family can be blamed but Regina Spektor should get some of that blame as well. She wrote a song called "Laughing With" which is really beautiful. Listen to it and you'll get it....

Dear God, How sick are you of frankincense, gold and myrrh gifts?

I love Christmas. I am so excited that Thanksgiving is almost here and over. No offense to turkey day. I just don't like football and if it weren't for the stuffing I wouldn't show up at all. This isn't completely true, I love spending time with my family and my Mom would beat me senseless if I actually didn't show, but you get the idea. With the big day rapidly approaching I feel it is my duty to get something off my chest before I delve into good deeds and grace for the month....

It is not the thought that counts.

It just isn't and no one thinks it is. Don't lie and tell someone how great that ugly sweater is. Sure, be nice. Don't make anyone cry. Thank them but don't gush and don't keep it. Donate that beast to charity as soon as bad gift giver is out of optical range. There is enough clutter in our lives without adding to the maze of material fillers. I received an early gift today and it was total crap. The sort of gift you have to consult others on just to figure out what it is. If the sender asks if I liked it I may send a smiley face and make a comment that implies liking it but I will not encourage this person. I just won't.

I'm okay with getting coal from anyone who reads this and is appalled. I could use it to set today's gift ablaze.